The Secret Diary Of Harry Styles, Aged 29 And A Half

Harry Styles and Niall Horan appear to kiss on stage-941212

26 August- 2023

Message from Cowell, saying he wanted to talk.  Sounded desperate. I didn’t call him back.

Spent the afternoon on the internet buying goji berries.

27 August

Spent the morning on the internet buying goji berries.

E-mail from Zayn. He asked me when I was going to come and see my goddaughter. He’s such an asshole. Reckons he’s such a spunk.  I told him Niall and I were at a critical point in our album and it was important we didn’t let anything distract us.

I called Niall to ask if he fancied a songwriting session in the studio, but he’s back on X Factor re-runs in the poolhouse. He’d just got to us doing Kids In America.  Little fella loves it so much I left him to it.

Potential album title- The Hashtag Strikes Back

28 August

First batch of goji berries arrived.  Spent the day in bed eating goji berries.

29 August

Woke up this morning and I’d shit half-digested goji berries all over my Charlotte Thomas bedsheets.  It was worse than that time when Klaxons came over.

I had a shower, told Conchita the maid there was something she’d best attend to upstairs, and jumped in the copter to my mum’s.   On the way to the heli-pad I popped my nose in in the poolhouse: Flack was tied up on a crucifix with “One Direction Stole My Youth scrawled over her. Niall was passed out on the chez longue, wearing one of our 2013 tour vests and a Taylor Swift mask. Duno where he gets this stuff from.  I did ask Flack if she was okay: she told me I had no right to speak in Niall’s presence.

Great to see mum, she keeps me so grounded.

30 August

When I got home I found this note from Conchita, quitting.  I thought after the incident with Klaxons she’d be okay with anything.

Mr Harry,
I just found your shit all over your bed.  I mean, what the fuck is that?  You leave this for me to do. You know how I feel about this sort of thing after the incident with the Klaxons.  I will clean and cook and do lots of things but I won’t clean up your fucking shit another time.  So I am leaving you now, you find another slave, asshole.

Please look after Niall.


I was furious.  I called in at the poolhouse, thinking I’d pay Niall to clean up the bed.  They were both locked in the bathroom, though, squealing with laughter and listening to some old Union J tune.  I’m pretty sure dry ice was smoking out under the door.

I left the bed as it was and went to sleep in one of the spare rooms.

Potential album titles

Pop’s Dead
Pop’s Dead. Get This!
Pop’s Dead! Get This!
Pop’s Dead! Get! This!

31 August

Answered the phone for the first time in 6 months today. Cowell! What are the chances?! He begged me to agree to a reunion tour. I told him that Niall and I are working on our new album, we’re not interested and that Niall had been living in my poolhouse with Caroline Flack for the last two months.

He offered me a hundred million personally to do it, and another 20 million if I could get Niall to.  I laughed, said Niall was going through another crystal meth phase and would never agree.  He swore and hung up.

10 minutes later he rang back and asked for the number of Niall’s crystal meth dealer.

1 September

Watched the new series of the X Factor.  Would you believe it, but Zayn is a new judge?  They didn’t even ask me. I mean, how is that possible?  I was always the most popular one, Taylor Swift wrote Trouble about me, everyone knew my fucking name. He was just the one with the puppy dog eyes. So what about his diamond-cutter cheekbones? Cowell always said I was more important than Mozart.

ALSO, he said we might be going on tour.  I almost threw my goji bar at the telly.  I had to look at our Twitter followers to make myself feel better.  26 million to 16.  Nice try, Zayn.

2 September

Possible nicknames for Zayn-

Lame Zayn
Missed The Plane Zayn
Insane Zayn
Inane Zayn
Looks Like A Fat Kid Called Wayne, Zayn

3rd September

Most Affected By Fame, Zayn

Interviewed two girls to replace Conchita today.  No idea where PA wench found them but they really cut the mustard, looks-wise.  Ended up in the second Jacuzzi with the first, called Marie.  She was French.  She claimed she didn’t know who One Direction were.  I laughed and showed her the Best Bits DVD we released when we broke up (biggest selling UK DVD ever, hashtag h-um-DINGER) .  She seemed unimpressed.

I picked the second one, she’s called Sandra. Brazilian. She said “That’s What Makes You Beautiful” is her favourite pop song ever.

4th September

Sandra quit this morning.  Knew I shouldn’t have asked her to clean my bedroom.

Spent the afternoon on the internet looking for goji berries.  I’ve sourced a new type from South-East China; the website bumf says they’ll stop me ageing better than plastic surgery ever will.

I’m going to send PA wench out there to pick me up a year’s worth.

Potential album title-

The Green Green Grass Of Rome

5th September

Cowell arrived at my house first thing this morning, on his hands and knees on the doorstep begging me to do the tour.  Says he’s skint, lost all his money on the fourth Shayne Ward comeback. I told him no way, but if he wanted a five grand he could clean my bedroom.   You should have seen the state of him when he was done. He went straight from my room to the poolhouse.

6th September

Cowell’s still in the poolhouse.

7th September

Still in the poolhouse.

8th September

Still in the poolhouse.

9th September

Still in the poolhouse, though pretty sure I heard him, Niall and Flack singing The Greatest Love Of All underneath my window at 4.17 this morning.

PA wench back with the goji berries.

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