After writing my last post on the rules for a one night stand, I got chatting with a lady friend (just a friend) of mine who’s no stranger to a stranger-led bunk-up. She wanted to give the single blokes out there a guide to getting a girl into bed, and how to act once you’re there. Gentlemen: listen up.
1) How to get a girl back: be open come out and fucking say come back to mine, don’t create an exclusive after party event that ropes in her friends and your flatmates, when you just want to get in her pants. She knows what she’s doing and if she’s going to come back and have sex with you then she’s going to do it anyways. So save your theatrics for the bedroom.
2) Back at the house: go straight to the room, no idle chitchat with housemates. We’re there to have sex with you so hurry up.
3) Initiating sex: don’t EVER say, go on touch It, its big isn’t it or guide my hand to your cock, I know where it is, I did year 8 bio, when I’m ready then I’m sure we’ll become well acquainted
4) Foreplay: it IS essential…..it’s not like the warm-up at a gig, there’s no rush to get to the main act. It must be successfully attempted if you have ANY hope of getting you end away!
5) Oral sex etiquette: it is NOT ok to guide my head towards your bellend nor is it ok to vigorously thrust your cock to the back of my throat, I will gag and chances are if I’m drunk enough (which I probably am to be here in the first place) I may be sick on your crotch, which ain’t a good look.
6) Happy slapping: don’t use your dick as a mini drum stick for a percussion band against a poor girls vagina. It does not turn her on in the slightest. All their thinking is I wish they would hurry up and put it in. In fact rule slapping out altogether.
7) Condoms: keep it safe y’all! Yes we could be on the pill, yes you can ask us but we still want you to put a condom on.
8) Mr nice guy: DON’T ask me if I’m ok, if I wasn’t ok I would have alerted you to this fact. I’m not popping my cherry, this ain’t that special night. I just wanna get laid, good and hard so like Nike says just do it.
9) Cum moment: do not cum in her face, hair, tits and if you’re going to cum in my mouth a heads up would be appreciated.
10) After care etiquette: It’s polite to keep a packet of tissues close to hand please do not use my favourite panties to clean up you’re cum ridden cock.